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Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries and I’ve got Randall Ajimine on the line. And Randall runs the web-based ministry, Churchandsex.com, and he’s also involved in the organization, Thank God for Sex. I met Randall. He’s a fellow contributor with XXXchurch.com so I’m aware of his ministry through that. And Randall is graciously jumping on the line with us today to answer the question, “What’s the one piece of advice that you would give to someone struggling with porn addiction?”

Randall: Sure. I think my one piece of advice would be to be very gracious to yourself. I think one of the things that keeps people trapped in any kind of addiction and porn addiction is definitely one of them, is a kind of shame cycle where they might try to abstain from whatever they’re addicted to but then go back into it and then get kind of this shame cycle where it’s like “Oh my God! I’m no good. I suck. I can’t do this,” and then that might lead to another kind of bingeing round where they stop. But what this shame cycle keeps them from doing is getting underneath the activity that they’re trying to be free from because usually, any kind of addiction is kind of used to cover over some deeper thing that’s happening in their life and so. And the other organization that I’m involved with, Thank God for Sex, it’s kind of dedicated to helping heal Christians and even helped the church kind of talk and deal with the issue of religious sexual shame. I think the church can unfortunately be unhelpful in the realm of sex and sexuality. In some of the ways that it teaches around this area can lead to a lot of guilt and shame kind of feelings. And again, that keeps Christians and other people, but Christians from getting underneath whatever the addition is. And if you never really get to the root cause of what issue is this addiction covering over, if you never get to what’s underneath that, then it’s I think it’s always going to be this thing that keeps cycling through or even worse. Even if you are able to kind of move past a porn addiction, again, if you’re not getting through the underlining issue, it’ll move to another addiction, sometimes, anyway, yeah. So the only way out of this whole shame spiral is to really accept yourself as you are, to say, “I am looking at these sites” and to not get super judgy on yourself for it to say, “I’m looking at these sites. I did it again and I’m not going to just berate myself for it. I’m going to try to calm myself down a little bit and be curious.” I think the curiosity bit is one of the best cures for a shame cycle. Curiosity being is this idea of “What am I covering over? What I like try to avoid? What feelings, what doubts, what insecurities am I trying to paste over with these things that I’m looking at?” And again, the only way to get out of that shame bit is to kind of slow down and to just be gracious to yourself, and not always be just beating yourself up over whatever you’re looking at. So yeah, being gracious to yourself as God is gracious to you, that’s I think the first ten biggest step.

Steve: Great! Well thanks for sharing that, Randall.

Randall: Sure.

Steve: And so where can people find out more about your ministry?

Randall: Sure. I’m on Churchandsex.com will leave you to my blog where I do a lot of writing and linking to articles. And I have the same username as for Twitter, Twitter.com/churchandsex. And those are the two primary ways. I’m working on getting on other social media platforms but those are the two kind of prime ones right now.

Steve: Okay. We will be sure to link to those in the show notes and in the video description. But thanks for your time, Randall.

Randall: I super enjoyed it.

Steve: Okay, see you later.

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Transcript

Stephen: I’ve got Cory Schortzman on the line. Cory is the executive director of Transformed Hearts Counseling Center and the author of multiple books on recovery. Cory, what’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

Cory: Thanks. Good afternoon, Stephen. A couple of main things I’d like to talk about as maybe kind of a typical… There’s always accountability, honesty, lying, these sorts of things that help men come out of pornography, and getting in groups. But the one thing that I don’t find a lot of people talking about is this addiction to being offended. I believe that underneath any and every addiction is an addiction to being offended. And I find this in my own recovery, my own sobriety. And what does this really mean? So these are people that generally to go and act out, underneath that is deeper issues of feeling hurt, real or imagined offences get us to a place to want to go medicate those feelings and emotions. I have a website. I do a lot of blogging and an offended test. The Anatomy of Peace, Leadership, Self-deception by The Arbinger Institute. These books have taken me beyond my 12-step program over the years and really identifying that it is true and God’s word, when in the last days, many will be offended. Many will be lovers of themselves. It goes on to say love will grow cold. As we know, lust takes… I like to define lust as taking fantasy, takes… Imagination is about giving to others. Love is about giving.

So they’re just some quick little tidbits here on what this assessment looks like. If you find yourself thinking and believing your qualities are better than others, or you find yourself thinking and believing that the qualities of others are worse than yours, you find yourself as judge, jury, and executioner. You think about getting even with those that have hurt you.

Number three, you’re quick to accuse, blame, and criticize others for your own problems, thoughts, and actions. Another one here, you find yourself unable to sleep and awaken at night, unable to fall back to sleep, having your racing thoughts and feeling disrespect that you’ve been done wrong. You’re easily angered and become defensive when you ask to change or are confronted about your behaviors. You believe that only if others change, then your relationships with them would be better.

Here’s another one: you allow your emotions to dictate how you act. Generally, typical things that I see… and there are several more of these as I’ve assessed. So if you explore five or more of these, you might have an addiction to being offended. And part of this assessment too is we hear a lot [inaudible – 03:49] parts [inaudible] is the lesser known. Everybody is familiar with sex addiction, but what’s lesser known is intimacy anorexia. And this is an intentional withholding of our hearts, feelings, and emotions with our spouse. And in my research, about 64 percent of the guys that come to our office are not only sex addicts but intimacy anorexics. So to do that assessment, I have also on our website. And it can be very helpful for the guy we’re trying to help. So if you’re a guy not finding much success, you’ve been in recovery for a while from your acting out, there might be a 6 out of 10 chance that you’re only dealing with half the addiction, and that is intimacy anorexia.

So if there’s one thing today, I guess there are two things I want to bring to the table, and that’s an addiction to being offended, which I believe is also underneath the anorexia addiction. So a lot of things. I don’t want people to feel overwhelmed like oh, I’ve got more stuff to work on. But we do want tools and information out there, so check out our website and the blog. I’ve been blogging now for over a year. We have some YouTube clips out there that can help get them started. Thanks, Stephen.

Stephen: Yeah, awesome. I think those are a couple of great resources. I encourage all the guys watching this to check out those assessments, fill them out, and just see. It’s amazing what you can learn from just answering some of those introspective questions. I know in my own journey that intimacy anorexia was something that I worked through with my counselor. And it’s not something that’s on a lot of guys’ radars. But once their eyes are open to it, then they recognize it in their life. And you can see how it really does play a big part in pornography addiction. So I’m glad you shared that, Cory.

Can you tell people where they can find out more about you and your ministry?

Cory: Yeah, absolutely. We are based in Colorado Springs, and we also have a satellite office in Denver. But surprisingly, most of our practice is by phone. So don’t let that limit you. Give us a call. Our website is transformedhearts.com. The phone number is 719-590-1350. We do free assessments. We have lots of books and resources, YouTube stuff, the blogs. We do 3-day and 5-day intensives. We do phone counseling groups. So really, at any point of entrance, depending on your budget and availability, we want to help you out. So give us a call and see how we can serve you. Thanks.

Stephen: Yeah, awesome. As always, all that information will be in the show notes. So if you guys didn’t catch all that watching, just scroll down below and you’ll see all those links. Cory, thanks again for your time, I love what you’re doing, and keep up the great work.

Cory: Thanks Stephen, be blessed.

Stephen: See you.

Cory: Bye.

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’ve got Jeff Fisher on the line. Jeff is the founder of Puritycoaching.com, Porntopurity.com, and he also hosts the Top Tips for Sexual Purity podcast which you can find on iTunes. So Jeff, let me go ahead and ask you what’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

Jeff: Hey, Steven! Glad to be on your show and everybody out there. I think one of the biggest tips that I’ve learned in the process is that we need to keep coming out of isolation. There’s an initial coming out of isolation where I share my secret story, I share the things that I’ve been hiding and covering up for so long. That initial share is one of the hardest things to get over but finding somebody safe, finding an old friend, maybe paying to go to somebody who’s confidential like a counselor, or even setting an appointment with the minister, finding somebody where you can break the ice. Once you break the ice and start to talk about the struggles within in regards to your sexual purity, then it’s like God is just there and it’s this freeing up feeling and this fountain of relief. And it’s hard to describe that I can finally talk to somebody openly about what’s going on. It’s still scary and it still takes a lot of courage but that initial share, and maybe I haven’t talked about it in a long time or I haven’t talked about really the deeper things, and that’s what I mean is going to those levels where you’re breaking the isolation and you’re sharing. But you know the tip is to keep doing that. We who are in recovery from our sexual struggles have to keep doing that on a regular basis. It gets easier as we work through the pain and the difficult things. And people are good for it. Then I feel comfortable to share more and build trust. I think sometimes that I need to go to somebody like you, Steven, or somebody like our ministry, or another ministry that is equipped and is used to hearing people’s struggles. Sometimes, we can do enough work on the front end to find a minister or a counselor who is used to talking to people about their sexual struggles but I think that is one of the benefits of ministries like ours. We’re automatic safe people that we’re not going to flinch. It’s not that we’ve heard it all but we’ve heard a whole lot. And everybody thinks that their story is unique and the worst. And it’s not, it’s very common but we just are not around people that talk about it to know that our struggle is a common thing. And sometimes, the depths and widths of our struggle might be more unique but just the core of our struggle. For seven years ago was when the stuff hit the fan for me. I got caught, I got exposed and I was kind of forced out but then I had to still make a decision to keep sharing. So admitting that I had looked at bad stuff on the computer was one thing but then to keep sharing and keep opening up, that’s where God started to bless and that’s where I started to find the healing that I needed from the Lord.

Steve: I think that’s great advice. We have heard of that as walking in the light. And I know that was hugely important when I started recovery. It was just getting comfortable sharing my story and…

Jeff: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah. I couldn’t agree with you more so thanks for sharing that, Jeff. Tell people where they can find you online.

Jeff: Yeah, sure. My wife and I, Marcia and I, we started Porntopurity.com about seven years ago, just as a way to blog about our struggles and then it started to turn into a podcast and so I started a podcast called Top Tips for Sexual Purity and you could find that on iTunes. That’s the best place to search for it. There’s a huge catalogue, huge back catalogue of episodes. So download whatever ones that you feel are good for you. And then our latest website is called Puritycoaching.com and that’s where we offer our support groups, offer a unique thing called Accountability jumpstart where I can help you get started in you accountability for 1, 2, or 3 months. I can be your accountability partner. And then there’s regular coaching where there’s a more comprehensive in-depth help to build your purity strategy so that it goes for the long-term.

Steve: Okay. We will be sure to link to all that in the show notes. Thanks again for your time, Jeff. I really appreciate it. And we’ll keep in touch.

Jeff: Yeah, thanks a lot!

Steve: Okay, see you!

Books

Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse

Live Uncaged

The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You

Beautiful Battle: A Woman’s Guide to Spiritual Warfare

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey guys, Stephen Kuhn with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’ve got Forest Benedict on the line. Forest is a sexual addiction treatment provider, MFT intern, and the program manager of LifeSTAR. Forest, thanks for joining us today. What’s the one piece of advice that you would give to someone struggling with porn addiction?

Forest: Yeah, the one piece of advice may sound like something that’s a little bit different, but really is that to have the kind of self-control that’s required in recovery, that basic self-care is really a necessity. When I think of recovery, I think of it as a lifestyle change, wherein we’re moving from a lifestyle of self neglect and self-destructive behavior to a lifestyle of self-care. One thing I think is really helpful for people in understanding why self-care is so important is really looking at how pornography addiction impacts the brain. And the way that it impacts the brain is it really causes harm to the pre-frontal cortex of the brain and we need that thing working well to have self-control, to be connected with our goals and values, and to have empathy for other people and emotional balance. That kind of harm that the pornography does to that part of the brain gives us less self-control. Having self-care in place that strengthens that part of the brain is actually really an essential part of recovery.

And so some of the basic self-care that I recommend for those seeking recovery, again it’s going to sound very basic, but all of these that I’m going to mention actually strengthen that part of the brain that gives us self-control. The first one is sleep, and just not being sleep deprived and getting adequate amount of sleep, I know people, it’s kind of well-known in the recovery field that if you’re tired then it’s a pretty common trigger, but I think a lot of it has to do with how sleep affects the brain, and so sleep is super important, getting adequate sleep, taking naps if you need to. Exercise is super important to strengthen that part of the brain. We teach a mindful breathing exercise, it’s really just focused on the breath and I’m happy to share that with you if I can, but it’s something that actually strengthens that self-control part of the brain. And even healthy diet is actually related to recovery too. I’ve written about this, how sugar can be really triggering for people trying to recover from sexual addiction. And also I think there’s a potential for becoming addicted to sugar. It’s like when we take away the porn, we still crave that dopamine and sugar is that easy outlet for dopamine, easy way to access dopamine. Limiting sugar and eating real food that’s healthy really does play a part in strengthening the part of the brain that helps us have self-control.

And then the other piece of that self-care puzzle would be abstaining from pornography, which might sound like a no-brainer. No pun intended. But then another part of it too is video games. I think that would be kind of surprising to people, but the research I’ve done is that video games kind of do similar things to the brain that pornography does. Some people are trying to heal their brain from the harm that’s been done with pornography, abstaining from pornography and video game and doing all these self-care strategies again be really helpful. To practice on a regular basis, it’s like strengthening a new muscle, you have to get into a routine and practice it and so another thing I tell people is this can get really messed up when we have things like vacation, when we go out-of-town, and we say to ourselves “I’m on vacation. I don’t have to sleep. I don’t have to eat good. I can do whatever I want.” That can really be kind of time in the brain for relapse, really. There’s no vacation from recovery. That’s why I recommend people maintain these types of things even when they’re on vacation, taking care of themselves.

And so maybe the last piece I’ll throw in there is that I find that people dealing with pornography addiction have a huge level of shame, and a lot of criticism. And so when you throw out a bunch of things like these are healthy routines to bring into your recovery journey, they could become very self-critical and kind of jump on themselves if they make a mistake or if they slip or relapse, be very self-critical. I’ve studied this idea of self-compassion because it’s another thing that I don’t think is very well…I haven’t heard a lot about it, especially in the church in particular, this idea of self compassion, self forgiveness, because what we find is that people actually are more likely to change if they are actually a little kinder to themselves. It’s the self-criticism that makes people more likely to relapse. And so that’s why I say as you think about these self-care strategies, if you can be a little gracious with yourself and patient with yourself that it’s going to take some time to learn a whole new way of relating to yourself more in this caring way.

Anyways, that’s kind of it in a nutshell. I’ve written a lot of stuff on this, self compassion. I wrote an article, people might be interested in, called The Science of Self Control, why Christians are called to self-care, so kind of tying that back-end. That’s basically it, that whole idea of self-care and how that leads to healing the addicted [06:51].

Steve: Great! Thanks for sharing that. You mentioned some of those articles. Why don’t you tell people where they could find out more about you online and where they can find some of your writing?

Forest: Okay. Yeah I do. I write in a couple different places. If you go to LifeSTARcentralvalley.WordPress.com, that’s where I write a lot of articles related to sexual addiction, recovery, provide lots of great tools for people, dealing with shame, self-compassion, all kinds of things. I try to bring in science and really relate it to what people are doing. And then if you go forestbenedict.com, that’s just forest with one R like Forest Gump, I have my personal blog and that one is actually very Christian-oriented, and it’s a lot about finding a deeper connection with God and so I will bring some stuff related to recovery in there but it’s really about feeling the relationship with God.

Steve: Great! I’ll be sure to add those in the show notes, so anybody watching this just look below this video and you should find all those links. Forest, thanks again for your time, I really appreciate it, and good luck with all that you do.

Forest: Thank you very much.

Steve: See you.