Stephen Kuhn

Stephen Kuhn has been leading recovery groups, speaking at college campuses, and providing free online counseling through Belt of Truth Ministries ever since he got steamrolled by Jesus and set free from the chains of porn addiction. His passion is to allow God to use the story of redemption in his life to encourage other men to seek healing through the work of Christ as well.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Russell Moore | How Christians Should Handle Shame

“Every Christian has had to wrestle at some point with guilt. Even for those who believe, theologically, that they are forgiven in Christ, the struggle to feel forgiven can be agonizing. How should believers in the gospel of justification handle their residing feelings of shame, guilt, and condemnation?”

Key Life | Grace in a…Strip Club?

“Sinners who know themselves to be sinful and desperately needy because of it, find themselves in the presence of Jesus forgiven and loved. Jesus is the only place that the prostitute, the stripper, the adulteress, and the like, find pardon instead of condemnation. Jesus doesn’t shun sinners but embraces them with love so shocking that it sets them free.”

Asley Willis | Why Christians are Getting Sex Wrong

“[F]or years I had learned that sex was a HUGE, shameful no-no, and I would nearly ruin my life if I ever even thought about doing it. I know my parents and church had good intentions in teaching me this way, but to be honest, it just made me scared of sex.”

Tim Challies | How an Affair Really Begins

“One of the great misconceptions about affairs is that they begin with sex. Affairs do not begin with sex. Falling into bed with a man who is not your husband or a woman who is not your wife is never a sudden, unplanned event. Instead, it is a culminating decision in a long list of terrible, self-centered decisions.”

Chad West | No More Do Better Religion

“Any old religion can tell you to be more moral. Anyone with half a decent heart can point out all your flaws. But only the gospel can tell us that, in spite of our deep sin, God offers us peace through Christ.”

Lecrae | Can’t Stop Me Now

DONE: You Have Been Set Free from Fear

By | Filed Under: Identity |

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline
(2 Timothy 1:7).

What’s your biggest fear? Snakes? Planes? Snakes on a plane? Regardless of what it is, every one of us is afraid of something.

According to a quick Google search, the top ten fears of people are:

  • Speaking before a group
  • Heights
  • Insects and bugs
  • Financial problems
  • Deep water
  • Sickness
  • Death
  • Flying
  • Loneliness
  • Dogs

Chances are, you can relate to at least one of these.

But, remember, God has not given me a spirit of fear, which means I no longer had anything to truly be fearful about. Nonetheless, this fear of singleness remained a part of my life. So what gives?

In order to understand this dichotomy, we need to recognize that there are two types of fear:

  • Legitimate fear (fear of a very real and present danger).
  • Illegitimate fear (fear of an imagined or assumed danger).

When fear sneaks back into our lives as believers, it’s always illegitimate fear. It’s fear that is not based on the truth. Ultimately, it’s a sign that we don’t believe God will keep His word.

Let’s look at that top-10 list again. How many of those fears are still legitimate once we hold them up to the truth of Scripture?

Do we still need to fear financial ruin if we recognize that God has promised to meet all our needs? (see Matthew 6:26)

Do we need to be afraid of death (which is ultimately what the fear of heights, deep water, and many other fears are about), if we understand that death doesn’t separate us from God but releases you into glorious eternity with Him? (see John 11:23-26)

Once we recognize how Jesus has set us free from any legitimate reason to be afraid, our fears are all exposed as illegitimate.

As I placed my focus back on the truth of God’s love for me, I recognized that I wasn’t actually lonely, even in my singleness. The love I receive from my friends, my family, and from God Himself was more than enough to satisfy my heart’s desire for companionship. And the same can be true for you as well.

So the next time you’re afraid, look to the Scriptures and see what God says about whatever is frightening you. Perhaps you will discover that, thanks to the Spirit of Christ within you, you no longer have anything to truly be afraid of.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Patheos | Sex and Authentic Desire: What Do You Really Want?

“[T]he Christian tradition insists that nothing in all of creation can fully satisfy a person. Dissatisfaction in itself needn’t imply immaturity; in fact, it is ingredient in what it means to be human. Christians of every make and model know that Augustine had it right: ‘You had made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.'”

Steve McVey | Is God Angry?

“Sadly, I’ve seen that many people share the perception I had of God’s character and personality. Maybe you haven’t been so far gone as to believe that God would let you have a flat tire simply because you didn’t have your quiet time. But my earlier legalistic foolishness highlights the importance of our understanding of God’s nature.”

Benjamin L. Corey | Rethinking Romans 8:28

“There’s a big difference between ‘all things working together for good’ and ‘God working in all things for good.’ In one, God is the causing agent. In the other, God is relentless and unstoppable– he becomes willing and able to take anything you can throw at him, and still find a way to work for good.”

Rob Armstrong | God Has a Reason: A Biblical View of Human Sexuality and Sex

“The conversation about human sexuality, sexual activity, and the role of sex finds its beginning in understanding the relationship of humanity to God. A Christian understanding of the relationship between God and humanity is founded upon the Bible. A biblical understanding of God’s purpose and design for humanity provides the context for rightly understanding all aspects of life, including sexuality and sex.”

The Good Book | How I found freedom from gender confusion

“I didn’t want to be a woman; in the early days I think, above all, I just wanted to be normal. Even as the hiding places in my bedroom filled up with second-hand lingerie, I clung to the hope that one day I’d be ‘cured’—that the urge would disappear completely, or that the sense of disgust I felt whenever I yielded would prove strong enough to stop me yielding the next time. Failing that, I longed for the definition of normal to change—to learn that cross-dressing was actually something perfectly natural and wholesome, something everyone did. I wanted the struggle to end—either in victory, or in acceptance.”

Stand to Reason | Challenge Response: There’s a Contradiction at the Core of Christianity

DONE: You Have Received the Promise of Life

By | Filed Under: Identity |

This letter is from Paul, chosen by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus. I have been sent out to tell others about the life He has promised through faith in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 1:1).

The apostle Paul knew his calling was to tell others about the life that is promised to those who trust Jesus. But what exactly is Paul talking about when he says “life.”

The way I look at it, there are two possible ways to interpret Paul’s use of the word “life” in this context. On one hand, we could read this as Paul saying “Here’s what your day-to-day life will look like for you if you choose to follow Jesus.” If this were the message God wanted to communicate to the world through a man though, don’t you think He would have chosen someone other than Paul?

Seriously, take a look at Paul’s life:

I have worked harder, been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not. I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm (2 Corinthians 11:23-27).

Prison…beatings…shipwrecks…sleeplessness. I’m pretty sure nobody is going to voluntarily sign up for a life like Paul’s—not unless there’s something attached to it so amazing that it makes all these hardships pale in comparison.

Ah, but there is something attached to it: The life of Christ living within you. Eternal life.

This is the life that Paul is talking about.

You see, Paul’s calling wasn’t to tell others how Jesus wanted to change their day-to-day lives. His calling was to help them see their need for the eternal life of Christ to redeem their hearts (which would give them the power to thrive within their day-to-day lives).

Hopefully you won’t ever find yourself shipwrecked or starving, but if you do, rest in the fact that the same life of Christ that dwelled in Paul dwells in you as well.

Which means when your day-to-day life gets hard, you can do more than simply try to survive…you can thrive.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Wesley Hill | Sex for Christians: Self-Giving and Sanctifying

“On closer inspection, though, the fact that the early Christians celebrated virginity wasn’t just about being countercultural. They didn’t want to stand out from their neighbors just for the sake of standing out. Instead, their view of their bodies and their life goals and their social structures had been upended by Jesus’ resurrection.”

Key Life | Sorry Not Sorry

“All believers have got to go through the process of repentance. Say you’re sorry, really mean it, and if you do that, then God will take you back. And this is just what happens in the Prodigal Son story, right? Well, maybe not.”

Oprah | Pastor Carl Lentz Interview on Super Soul Sunday

“Oprah is joined by Carl Lentz, a lead pastor at Hillsong Church in New York City, for a conversation that could shift how you experience the world. Pastor Lentz is the dynamic force behind one of the most talked-about new congregations in American Christianity. See why his come-as-you-are approach to faith appeals to a new generation of spiritual seekers, including pop singers, young Hollywood and NBA players.”

Bromleigh McCleneghan | Sexuality: Part of the Imago Dei

“Christians don’t understand sexuality as something that mars our pristine souls with all that gross embodiment—fluids and limbs and passion. Our sexuality is rather a critical part of who we are, part of what makes us unique and alive and which draws us into connection with others. But, and this is important: our sexuality is also only a part of who we are.”

Josh Wilson | No More

DONE: You Have Received the Gifts of Faith

By | Filed Under: Identity |

Oh, how generous and gracious our Lord was! He filled me with the faith and love that come from Christ Jesus. (1 Timothy 1:14)

Have you ever thought I just need to generate more faith?

I know I have.

But here’s the deal. Faith isn’t something you can increase on your own, it’s a gift from God.

When a man brought his son to Jesus and asked for him to be healed, Jesus asked if he truly believed in his heart that what he was asking for could be done. In other words, did he have faith?

And how did the man respond?

Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).

This man had heard about Jesus healing others, so he believed in his head what he was asking for could be done.

But that isn’t faith…it’s knowledge.

Faith is when your belief moves from your head into your heart.

For this man, faith came the moment he believed the healing he had seen Jesus offer to others was available to him as well. And in order to believe that, He needed Jesus to help Him overcome his unbelief.

Did Jesus respond to this man’s request with a list of things for him to do to increase his faith? Not at all. Jesus healed the man’s son, proving His faithfulness in spite of the man’s unbelief.

Jesus knew that only His faithfulness would increase the man’s faith. 

Every time you choose to trust Jesus, He will come through for you. Always. And the more He proves to be faithful, the more your faith will increase. Looking at it that way, it’s easy to see how faith is not something you generate on your own, it’s the result of Jesus coming through for you 100% of the time.

Smart Quote: Thomas Brooks

By | Filed Under: Smart Quotes |

“People may be truly believing who nevertheless are sometimes doubting.” —Thomas Brooks

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Reader Q/A: How do I open up to my wife emotionally?

By | Filed Under: Reader Q/A |

Question: For the 9 years I’ve been married, I have been hiding, controlling, and emotionally closed off to my wife about my deep feelings or thoughts. Now that she knows my deepest and darkest secrets, some that hurt her very badly, how do I go about opening up to the emotional side? She wants me to share more than just what happened to me that day. How can I just open up to her like she wants to see?

Reader Q/AThis is a very common issue with men who are on a path to recovery.

When you are in the chains of an addiction, you learn to hide your emotions very well. It’s the inevitable result of the lies and deception that come with trying to hide part of your life. Over time, your emotions may shut down completely as you become more and more calloused. For many men, the eventual result manifests in two ways:

  • A lack of empathy (the ability to feel and understand the suffering of others). I personally reached a point in my addiction where I could lie straight-faced to my wife without any sense of guilt. I remember sitting on our bed, watching her weep because of my sin, and wondering why I didn’t feel badly about it.
  • A lack of ability to sense or understand your own emotions. When you ignore, stuff, or reject your emotions for long enough, they will begin to feel foreign to you. Learning how to understand (and eventually communicate) what you are truly feeling will be something you can only relearn through practice.

Because you’ve been emotionally closed off for almost a decade, your emotions have likely atrophied. You’re beginning to learn how to understand, identify, and communicate them effectively, but it’s going to take some rehab. In the same way an atrophied muscle is awkward and even painful to use at first, your emotions will need to be brought back slowly to a point of full strength through many clumsy, awkward, and potentially uncomfortable conversations.

Due to the newness of all of this for you, even sharing something simple with your wife (for example: how you felt emasculated at work when your boss belittled you in front of your coworkers), may feel like you’re being overly emotional. Over time though, as you become increasingly aware of your emotions and more comfortable sharing them, this will feel much less awkward.

Now that we’ve laid that foundation, let’s move on to your actual question: How can you open up to your wife like she wants to see. 

You mention in your question that you are no longer hiding, and some of your secrets hurt her very badly. I assume this means you have made the very painful but necessary step of disclosing your struggles to her. If you are like many men who have found the courage to do this, you probably felt immense relief at no longer having anything to hide. You probably felt closer to your wife than ever in that moment and were excited to see how this new lifestyle of openness and honesty would revive your struggling marriage.

Your wife, however, just had her life explode into a million pain-filled shards of shrapnel.

So as much as you want to be emotionally open with her, she may not be ready. Unfortunately, there are no formulas for this, but there are some things that remain true in all situations though:

  • You can only control yourself. You cannot control another person. Which means your best bet is to focus on the “How can I open up” side of the question rather than the “like she wants to see” side. She may not even know exactly what she wants to see yet. Even if she does know, she probably doesn’t trust you enough to even believe what she does see. So just keep sharing your heart with her as you feel the Spirit leading you. Your consistent willingness to share will likely speak more to her than your openness at first.
  • Jesus is always the answer. I know this sounds like a Sunday School cliché, but it’s the truest truth there is. At this point, your wife is most likely thinking more about the multiple years you were lying to her than the few recent days, weeks, or months where you’ve been honest. So, rather than attempting to convince her of your trustworthiness through your words, pray for her to see Jesus working in you. The odds are good she isn’t going to trust you for a while, but she may be willing to trust Jesus in you. Chase after Jesus first and foremost.

I can tell from your question that you are already starting down the path to recovery. So keep hanging in there, both in life and in your marriage. Remember, love always hopes. If God can raise Jesus from death, He can surely resurrect your marriage as well.

If you have a question about pornography addiction, my personal story, or anything else for that matter, you can send it to me here (or just click the contact tab to the right). I will do my best to answer every question personally and will never post your question without your permission.

10 Lies Men Believe about Porn Preview

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

weekly_roundup-img-640x290

Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Matt Moore | Secret Sin Will Devour You

“Living in secret sin is no trivial thing—it always hinders the outworking of a person’s faith and always possesses the power to destroy a person’s faith. However, God has given us the practice of confession to protect us from these hindrances and endangerments.”

The Daily Signal | Almost Everything the Media Tell You About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Is Wrong

“In the end, Mayer and McHugh observe that much about sexuality and gender remains unknown. They call for honest, rigorous, and dispassionate research to help better inform public discourse and, more importantly, sound medical practice.”

Tim Challies | What God Does With Your Sin

“So, what does God do with your sin? He throws it behind his back, drowns it in the sea, treads it underfoot, blots it out, forgets it, removes it, covers it, takes it away, cancels it, washes it, and forgives it. And God can do and will do all of this in the present because of one thing he did in the past.”

Brad Hambrick | How Do I Know if My Life Struggle Requires Counseling?

“We will offer nine points of reflection to help you identify whether making the time and energy investment in counseling is wise for your life struggle. The more of these you identify with, the more likely counseling would be a wise step for you.”

Desiring God | Three Steps to Stop Wasting Your Life

“[I]f we follow those: trust him, renounce self-reliance, bring him into every situation, he is going to make our paths straight. He is going to keep us from wasting our lives or destroying ourselves and others in the path of sin and bringing us to everlasting joy.”

Key Life | Justification by Faith (In 90 Seconds)

DONE: You Have the Ability to Be Thankful in All Circumstances

By | Filed Under: Identity |

 Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus
(1 Thessalonians 5:18).

What words stand out the most to you in this verse?

Thankful?

God’s will?

What about the one word most of us tend to miss: all.

Because you are in Christ, you can be thankful in all circumstances.

Sure, it’s easy to be thankful for the good things that come along in life:

  • You landed a new job. Thank God for that!
  • The doctor just told you the cancer is gone. Thank you Jesus!

But what about the hard things?

  • You just got fired…
  • Your teenage son got his girlfriend pregnant…
  • Your wife served you divorce papers…

Crickets.

But as much as we want to ignore it, that one little word is still there.

Be thankful in all circumstances…the good ones…and the bad ones.

But how in the world can God expect us to be thankful when crap hits the fan in our lives?

Because He will make all things work together for your good.

When you trust that God really can (and will) use all things—even the bad things—to bring you to a better place, it gives you hope, increases your faith, and allows you to respond with thankfulness.

Yes, it sucks that my addiction resulted in the end of my marriage. But God used that bomb in my life to bring me face-to-face with my own brokenness. The pain of my divorce, along with the realization that my sin had caused it, was what finally allowed me to recognize my need for a Savior.

If it weren’t for that “bad situation,” I don’t think I would know Jesus today in the way that I do. I would still be looking at porn, hurting my former wife, and desperately trying to control my life.

As crazy as it seems, I am thankful for the path my life has taken me—even for my divorce.

So the next time something bad happens in your life, remember that God has promised to make good come from it. You may not know how right away. You might not even get the answer this side of Heaven. But God has promised you that He will. So if nothing else, you can thankful for the fact that God will always keep His promises.

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