Weekly Web (W)roundup

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.


Desiring God: The Real Battle for Sexual Purity

“One way to tell if you’re measuring success by an outer-cleanness versus an inner-cleanness is if you obsess over how many days it’s been since you last sinned. That mentality presupposes that your issue is one primarily of behavior, and not of the heart. But God always seeks a change deeper than our behavior.”

Storyline: What Matters Most When You’ve Screwed Up

“I can be certain that I am right—or I can have faith that I may not understand the whole picture. I can be certain that things will always be this way—or I have faith that things can change.”

Gospel Coalition: You Can’t Mess it Up

“God brings about his plan amid our messes. It’s like we burn down the house and yet God still makes the flower grow amid the ashes.”

XXXChurch: 5 Questions to Ask Yourself When Your Boyfriend Looks at Porn

“It isn’t easy, this journey we’re on. Relationships aren’t easy in a porn-saturated world, but we don’t have to accept porn addiction and we don’t have to ignore it. We need to be able to work together with our partner in fighting it.”

Key Life: Is Grace Too Good to Be True?

“Have you ever thought that God’s love, forgiveness and grace are all just too good to be true? Sin, struggle and emotions can color the truth. Life can get in the way of truth…and so we begin to doubt. But it’s really true. You are loved, forgiven, accepted and cherished. As God’s child, you live in his grace. It’s all Good News.”

Six Seeds: What Your Phone Reveals about Your Marriage

“When a spouse is defensive or secretive about his/her phone, it’s usually a symptom of some kind of unhealthy behavior. It’s not aways infidelity, though inappropriate interactions with the opposite sex are certainly common among people who keep passwords from their spouse.”

The Bible Project: Ecclesiastes

God Isn’t Mad At You So Stop Beating Yourself Up When You Relapse

I’m excited to announce that another post I wrote for xxxChurch.com went live this morning. If you aren’t familiar with xxxChurch, they’re an online ministry offering biblical help for those who struggle with porn addiction. I suggest you check out all the great resources they offer to help you on your journey to freedom. And, of course, check out my post on their site as well.

God isn't mad at you

I spend a fair amount of time on Reddit and other online communities interacting with people who are trying to find freedom from porn. One thing I’ve noticed, though, is there seems to be a tendency for folks to come down hard on themselves when they relapse.

“I looked at porn again after 30 days clean. God must be so mad at me.”

“I screwed up and masturbated last night, why am I such a horrible person?”

“Why can’t I fix myself? I suck at being a Christian.”

You get the idea.

I wish I had the time to respond to every one of these posts and let them know that God isn’t mad at them. Seriously. In fact, this whole idea that God becomes angry with us when we fall is likely one of the major factors in their ongoing struggle to find freedom from porn.

Read the rest of the article on xxxChurch.com

10 Lies Men Believe about Porn Preview

DONE: You Have Been Personally Chosen by God

Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan (Ephesians 1:11).

I’m pretty sure I started bugging my parents for a dog right about the time I first learned how to talk. It was always made clear to me, however, that it just wasn’t the right time for us to get one. I’d beg and plead to at least go and look at the pet store, they would give in, and then I’d inevitably fall in love with one of the dogs before being carried out sobbing.

After years of pleading though, my parents finally agreed that it was time for us to get a dog. We decided on a breeder, and then drove up to meet the puppies. The breeder pointed out the “perfect” pups and mentioned she would be keeping them for show dogs. We could have our pick of the others. We settled on a little girl with one ear that stuck straight up and one ear that flopped over. This flaw may have rendered her “imperfect,” but we still thought she was perfect for us.

The hardest part, was even though we knew which puppy was ours, we still couldn’t take her home yet. She was too young and needed to remain with her mother a while longer. During those weeks, I knew I had a dog; I just didn’t have her with me yet. I’d resort to daydreaming about all the fun stuff we were going to do together and the tricks I’d teach her, and I kept getting more and more excited about bringing her home. By the time she did come home, I’d built up so much anticipation I could hardly bear it. Even though I’d only met her once and she hadn’t done anything to earn my love, I couldn’t wait for her to be united with our family.

When I think of how God has chosen me to become a part of His family, I’m sometimes tempted to believe there’s no way He would have actually picked me if given the choice. I assume He had to let me in only because He was bound by His word. My logic goes something like this: God promises to receive anyone who trusts Jesus, and I’ve trusted Jesus. So, even though He probably doesn’t like me and surely doesn’t need me, He had no choice but to let me in lest He go back on His promise.

But that’s not what the Bible tells us at all. The Bible makes it clear that God chose each one of us personally. Not just to be His pets, but to be His adopted children, complete with full rights as His sons and daughters, even including an inheritance.

What’s amazing to me though, is that He chose all of us in advance—even before we were united with Christ. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to find out God was thinking of you much the same way I was thinking of my dog before she was united with our family. I knew she was going to be mine; it was just a matter of time. And the longer I waited, the more excited I got for us to be together. God knew you were going to be His, and the longer He waited, the more excited He got about being with you.

The difference though, is the only thing I could do was wait. God, however, was actively orchestrating the events of your life to lead you straight to Him. He knew how badly He wanted you specifically, so He did whatever it took to bring you home.

Smart Quote: Scott Sauls

“It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance, not our repentance that leads God to be kind.” —Scott Sauls

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Have You Heard of the New Filter, PluckEye?

Hey Friends,
I’d like to introduce you to my friend Jon. He’s been working on a new type of web filter that has some really cool features I think will be helpful for those of you looking for something to help cut off the flow as you seek inner-healing. It’s completely free, and he’s seeking feedback from actual users, so try it out and let him know what you think.
—Stephen

pluckeyeGreetings! My name is Jon Wilkes, and I’m trying to spread the word about Pluckeye, a filter to help people better control their Internet use.

Pluckeye is the filter you’ve always wanted if you really, really, really want to avoid porn on your Windows/Mac/Linux box.

Pluckeye is quite configurable, but out of the box it does the following:

  1. Blocks all images and all video from all websites.
  2. Allows text content from all websites.
  3. Permits the user to select safe sites from which images will be allowed.
  4. Permits the user to set a delay which will initiate a waiting period (e.g. 24 hours) before the user can do any of the following:
    • Add a new safe site.
    • Uninstall Pluckeye.
    • Decrease the delay.

In short, the combination of these features makes it so that porn is no longer one click and one second away on the computer.

Here are a few other things that can be done with Pluckeye:

  • Block access to search engines except for a set period of time each day.
  • Allow access to the entire Internet except for a set period of time daily.
  • Give a friend or spouse a specific URL that allows them to view changes to your Pluckeye settings in real-time.

I believe Pluckeye may be very useful to some people, so I’m trying to spread the word about its existence. I’m also very interested in getting feedback—positive or negative—so that I have a better sense of whether Pluckeye ultimately helps the repentant porn user (or compulsive gambler, or gamer, or whatever).

Oh, and one last thing. It’s currently free. Give it a try, and let me know what you think! After using it for a while, contact me here and let me know what you think.

Thanks!

Jon Wilkes,
Creator of Pluckeye

Weekly Web (W)roundup

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn and sexual addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.


Blogging Theologically: Grace Can’t be Earned, only Given

“Somewhere along the way, she’d picked up the notion that she needed to pay God back for his gracious work in her life, as though that were possible. She’s not alone in this, of course. There are many people who act as though their deeds can cancel out their debt to God, or that they can earn his favor—even among those who profess to be Christians! Grace cannot be earned, only given. Grace is scandalous, after all.”

Forward Progress: 3 Misunderstandings of What it Means to Repent

“Whether we want to admit it or not, when we are trying to follow Jesus, we will find ourselves repenting over and over again. I’d propose, then, that we have at least three common misunderstandings about it means to repent.”

Gospel Coalition: Pornography as a Public Health Crisis

“Although pornography has been identified as a public health concern for more than three decades, the increase in access and the ubiquity of pornography has increased concerns about the effects of pornography on communities.”

CovenantEyes: 4 Secrets the Porn Industry Hopes You Never Find Out

“I get that you have reasons for turning to porn. My husband did too. And right now, you may think no one suffers a single consequence for what you’re doing. Maybe you’re not married. Maybe you are, but your wife doesn’t seem to care or you’ve successfully kept it hidden. Maybe porn seems to be a safe release for you because of how you’ve been treated and burned in the past. But maybe this isn’t just about you.”

XXXChurch: Can Prayer Actually Help My Porn Problem?

“I think prayer can be one of the most difficult parts of following Jesus. Often, there are no concrete answers, and how do you even know if God has even heard your prayers in the first place?! Thankfully, there can be so much more to prayer if we let it. Perhaps we even need to open ourselves up to a new way of viewing both prayer and God. Here are a couple of ideas that might just help.”

Brad Hambrick: 10 Step Progression for Restoring Broken Trust

“Movement through this progression will be a dance between your spouse’s efforts at change and your willingness to take relational risks. Your spouse’s growth alone will not create trust without your willingness to take a relational risk. Your willingness to a relational risk alone without your spouse’s growth will not produce lasting trust. The dance may not be one step by your spouse followed by one step by you. But unless both of you are moving you’re not dancing.”

Living Out: Ed’s Story

In Christ: Your Sins Are Forgiven

In Him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace… (Ephesians 1:7).

One of my favorite weekend activities growing up was riding my bike to the local arcade and blowing my heard-earned paper route money on video games.

We had a few different arcades in town, but my favorite was the huge one inside the mall. This arcade was not only the first place to play the latest games, it was the place you went to test your joystick skills against the best players in town.

But as much as I enjoyed beating other kids at Street Fighter II, my favorite activity was filling my pockets with prize tickets from the carnival style games. I’d dump quarter after quarter into Skee-Ball, the creepy shoot-out-the-clown’s-teeth-with-a-water-gun game, and of course, Whack-a-Mole.

The better you did at these games, the more tickets you earned. And the more tickets you earned, the more stuff you could buy from the prize counter.

These prizes ranged from single-ticket items like stickers and tattoos all the way up to a full-on Sega Genesis console for some ridiculously huge quantity.

But what would have happened if I went to the counter and attempted to redeem real money for the Sega Genesis? I’d probably be told to come back when I had enough tickets—the only currency they accepted there.

In a lot of ways, we do the same thing when we look at the junk in our lives and attempt to overcome it by being a better person. We look at the debt of sin we’ve accrued and hope that by going to church, doing good works, or being a “nice enough person,” we can tilt the balance sheet back in our favor.

But that’s not how forgiveness works in God’s eyes. You may as well be trying to buy your way into Heaven with arcade tickets.

The truth is, the only currency that can pay for your forgiveness is the blood of Jesus. It’s His blood that has the power to redeem you and provides forgiveness for your sins—not your ability to be a good person.

This is great news though, because once you realize your good behavior has nothing to do with you earning forgiveness, you can rest assured that bad behavior can never cause you to lose it.

Thankfully, God doesn’t dole out His forgiveness the way an arcade game distributes tickets—in small batches, and only if you win. He offers it to you solely as a gift of His grace.

Furthermore, He forgave all your sins the moment you put your trust in Christ.

You’ve been fully forgiven. You’ve been fully redeemed. Your debt has been paid.

So now, instead of trying to earn enough tickets to get to Heaven by playing Whack-a-Mole with your sin, you can relax and join Jesus over at the air hockey table—knowing that even if you lose, you will still be loved unconditionally, forgiven completely, and accepted fully.

This post is an excerpt from my new book, 52 Amazing Things That Became True of You the Moment You Trusted Christ. If you enjoyed what you read here, be sure to check out the book for 51 more awesome truths about how God sees you!

Smart Quote: John Eldredge

“Your brokenness and your sin are not something you overcome so that you can walk with God. They are the occasions for you to cry out for the life of God in you to rescue you.” —John Eldredge

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Book Review: Fathered by God

Fathered by GodA few years back my counselor recommended I read Wild at Heart to help me understand how my addiction was fueled by misunderstandings of how God made me as a man.

To say that book changed my view of what Biblical masculinity looks like would be an understatement.

As much as I enjoyed Wild at Heart though, I believe Fathered by God is perhaps even more helpful for men who struggle with living as the man God calls them to be.

Where Wild at Heart teaches us about how God has made us as men, Fathered by God shows us the path He wants to walk us through to bring us into that position of authentic, Biblical masculinity.

In Fathered by God, John Eldredge outlines the six stages of manhood that God walks every man through over the course of their life. There are lessons to be learned—that must be learned—in every stage:

Boyhood

“We must remember that above all else, boyhood is the time of affirmation, the time when a boy comes to learn deeply that he is the beloved son… Without this bedrock of affirmation this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex, or in a thousand other ways.”

Cowboy

“A notable shift begins to take place in the boy’s soul as he approaches his teens, a yearning for real adventure. Something inside tells him that he needs to prove himself, needs to be tested. He wants to learn how to do things—how to drive a car, to hunt birds, to build a loft in his room. And now the question of a man’s soul begins to present itself in nearly everything the boy-becoming-a-young-man does: Do I have what it takes?”

Warrior

“The recovery of the warrior is absolutely crucial to the recovery of a man. All else rests on this, for you will have to fight, my brothers, for everything you desire and everything you hold dear in this world. Despite what you feel, or what you may have been told, you have a warrior’s heart, because you bear the image of God. And He will train you to become a great warrior, if you’ll let Him.”

Lover

“Learning to be loved, and learning to love, learning to be romanced, and learning to romance—that is what this stage is all about. Not duty. Not merely discipline. But an awakening of our hearts to the beauty and love of God, and at the same time, we offer our hearts as well—to God, to the women in our lives, to our sons and daughters, to others.”

King

“[A good king] uses all he has to make his kingdom like the kingdom of Heaven for the sake of the people who live under his rule… Most of the men I know in some position of power and influence [kings] are not holy enough to handle even what they do have, and they are doing damage as we speak. They operate out of their business training and “principles of leadership,” they operate out of a great deal of their own brokenness, but they do not, on any sort of regular basis, check in with God, submit to Him, live as a man yielding his plans to Him.”

Sage

“There comes a time when a king must yield his throne. This does not mean failure. It means it’s time to become a sage, and let another man be king… It will appear that at this stage a man’s “kingdom” may be shrinking—he retires from his career position, perhaps moves into a smaller home or apartment, lives on a fixed income. But, his influence should actually increase.”

If a man is wounded in any of these stages (or skips over any of them completely), he will miss the lesson it has for him. He will move forward in life with holes in his masculinity, functioning as an incomplete man.

But God, as our loving Father, wants to bring us back into these overlooked stages to teach us what we missed. He wants to heal those gaps in our development and raise us up as His beloved sons into authentic, Biblical masculinity.

This is the message of Fathered by God—a message that can give any man hope, no matter what stage of life he is in.

Happy Father’s Day from Belt of Truth Ministries

Fathers: Sho Baraka