Up until a few years ago, I was single-handedly keeping the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry alive. I don’t quite know how the numbers added up, but it had to be true. I mean, I was the only guy with this issue from what I could tell. I know none of my friends struggled with it, that’s for sure. It definitely couldn’t have been an issue for the other men at my church. From what I could tell, I was the only man in the sanctuary, the only man in the world, trying to fight this battle.
Seriously though, what kind of Christian am I anyways? Obviously not a very good one. God must be so ashamed of me. Why can’t I get it together? Why am I failing so badly at being a Christian?
There I was, sitting in church most Sundays, unable to close my eyes during prayer for fear of what would pop into my head from the polluted corners of my mind.
What will these other men think if they found out I had this secret? What if they find out how far from God I really am? There’s no way I can tell them. At best, they will probably make me stand in front of the whole church, say I’m sorry for being such a poor representation of what a Christian should be, and promise to never sin again…or else.
I thought it would all go away when I got married, but somehow it actually got worse.
What if my wife finds out? It will destroy her. She might leave me. She probably would leave me. Nope, I shouldn’t tell her. I can’t tell her. That would be stupid. We’ll be happier if I just keep this hidden and fight it alone. She knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what it is. I’ll fix it, and then things will get better between us and she will never have to know.
I wasn’t quite ready to admit it was an addiction yet, even though it controlled my life, but I could at least see I had a problem. I just needed to find the right program, or combination of programs, anything…something had to work.
If I just try harder, find a better internet filter, or make enough promises to God and to myself, I will eventually find freedom from this sin.
I know I can get this under control eventually…
Nothing is working. I’m getting worse.
Where is God? Why won’t He help me?
Am I even a Christian?
Sounds ridiculous, right? Or could it be these very thoughts have gone through your mind as well? I am willing to bet, if you are reading this blog, you’ve at least thought something similar.
The more I have the honor of helping other men find their freedom from pornography addiction, the more I see a consistent pattern of thought that contributes to their bondage.
Here’s the deal though—these thoughts are all lies.
This is why I’m here now.
My hope for this blog is that I may be able to share with you the truth about pornography addiction and be a part of you finding true, lasting freedom from its clutches.
So, welcome to the trailhead. I’m glad you’re here.
