Photo by BrianTuchalskiPhotography
Many people will claim that pornography is a victimless crime. “It’s not hurting anyone,” they say. “What a man does behind closed doors is his own prerogative.”
The problem with that belief though, is it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pornography hurts everyone involved, and the closer someone is to the user, the more likely they are to be deeply hurt.
One of the more common places where this can happen is the relationship between a dad and his little girl. For that reason, I think it’s important to consider five ways pornography use affects a father’s relationship with his daughter.
1. It will Cause Him to Pull Away from Her when She Needs Him Most
If a father is looking at porn, he will have a hard time offering appropriate loving affection to his daughter once she starts to mature physically. He will notice her looking more and more like the women he has been watching online, and misplaced shame will cause him to avoid hugging her because it just doesn’t feel right anymore.
Sadly, his daughter will notice this and begin to wonder why she’s no longer receiving affection from her father. This frequently leads girls to believe there is something wrong with them or, often times, to seek affection elsewhere (usually in the arms of a teenage boy who has noticed her physical changes as well).
2. It Hinders His Ability to Model a Loving Husband/Wife Relationship to Her
The shame that frequently comes from porn use will cause most men to become distant, isolated, and hidden. Rather than modeling how a husband should be pursuing his wife daily, he will be teaching his daughter to settle for a man who merely exists physically—but not emotionally—within the same house.
Furthermore, the percentage of divorce cases that site pornography use as major contributing factor is extremely high. This was the unfortunate end-result of my own addiction, which means my daughter is now growing up in two separate homes with two separate parents. She may have a wonderful example of a mom, and (hopefully) a great example of a dad, but our divorce has robbed her of the opportunity to observe how a mom and a dad can lovingly interact with one another.
3. It Communicates the Wrong Messages to Her about Beauty
There are countless stories of girls discovering porn on their dad’s computer and believing she must look and act like these women if she wants a man to notice her. These beliefs will often stay with her for many years, if not her entire life. But even if she never discovers the porn itself, she’s likely to notice other behaviors in her dad that often come with porn use:
- Turning his head to watch a girl walk by in tight pants
- Looking down the shirts of her friends
- Paying more attention to the cheerleaders than the game itself
You see, when a man uses pornography, the way he views all women changes, and examples such as these become much more likely (and noticeable) in his life.
4. It Takes Him out of His Role as the Spiritual Leader and Protector of the Home
There are many views in the church regarding the presence of negative spiritual influences. The Bible makes it clear, however, these things not only exist, but they are actively seeking to harm us (see Ephesians 6:13, 1 Peter 5:8 . I personally experienced frequent nightmares and terrifying visions when I was in the grip of my addiction to pornography, but they stopped completely once I asked God to set me free from the bondage I had invited into my life. That was proof enough for me that there was something very real about the connection between spiritual forces and my porn addiction.
Now, I can’t say for sure whether a father’s use of porn will invite spiritual bondage into other members of his home. What I do know, though, is the risk is certainly not worth it. You wouldn’t invite a known criminal into your house, so why would you open the door to any other negative influences?
5. It Pulls the E-brake on His Walk with God
Ultimately, compulsive porn use will hinder a father’s relationship with God. This is not the result of God turning away from him because of his ongoing sin (Thankfully, God’s love is never dependent upon our behavior). It’s because the man has chosen to rely on his own power to manage his life and meet his needs.
Trying to manage and meet the needs in your life independently from God is exhausting. And, as a father, I can assure you that being an effective parent without God’s help is impossible. That’s why it’s vitally important to rely on Him for the wisdom and ability you will need to effectively guide your little girl into becoming a healthy woman. The role of a father is far too great to try to do on your own.
•••
Fathers, I don’t tell you these things to make you feel guilty about looking at porn. I tell you them to help you recognize the full effect it may be having on those you love.
Don’t lose heart, though. There is hope. Freedom from pornography is available for those who seek it. The best part is that it’s not about learning to fight better or resist temptation more effectively. In fact, it has nothing to do with what you are capable of at all.
Freedom comes when you are given a new heart, with new desires. A heart that no longer desires porn because it’s found something so much greater. That, my friend, is true freedom…and that freedom can only come from Christ.
If you ask any man what his favorite movies are, you will more than likely get a list of classics such as Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Iron Man, and other movies involving swords and explosions. Few men will add Sleepless in Seattle or The Notebook to their Netflix queue unless an attractive female wants to watch it with them. When was the last time you heard a guy say, “Hey bro, wanna grab a pizza and watch 
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, that just happened to me two days ago. And to say it hurts would be an understatement.
If someone had told me I would need to give up snowshoeing before I had discovered backcountry skiing, it would have broken my heart. I would have fought it passionately. My desire for the winter wilderness was too strong to ignore or overcome. But by discovering something infinitely better though, giving it up wasn’t even an issue. In fact, I forgot about my snowshoes altogether until recently when I dug them out to sell on Craigslist.
God has made it clear to me through a variety of ways that He wants me to leave the door open for the possibility of reconciliation. All throughout scripture I see God restoring what is broken rather than creating something new. I hear the command to love my wife as Christ loved the church, and He continued to love the church even as they rejected Him over and over. Ultimately, God has put His unconditional love in my heart for her—which means my love for her is not conditional on her returning any love back to me.
Dealing solely with the porn is the same as trying to overcome a case of pneumonia with a box of Kleenex and some cough drops. Sure, you may find relief from the dripping nose and the constant coughing, but is anything actually getting better? Nope. You’re just temporarily managing the symptoms. In order to get better, you would need to attack the pneumonia from the source with some potent antibiotics.
