Note: This post is part one of a six-part series on desire. It has been adapted from my book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn, available now wherever books are sold.
I graduated high school in 1997 at the wise age of 17. My sole criteria for selecting a college was that it not be in my hometown, mainly so I would have an excuse to move out of my parents’ house and live on my own. I was accepted to Oregon State University and soon found myself living out in the real world before I was even old enough to buy cigarettes.
My life really began to separate into two personas during my college years. On the surface, I was “Steve the church guy,” going to Bible studies and maintaining a facade of moralistic perfection. Under the surface, though, I was a completely different person. I had an entirely different group of friends who I would party with on weekends, often driving up I-5 to all-night raves in Portland where we would fry our brains with a cocktail of illegal drugs. I embraced the freedom of no longer having a curfew (or any house rules), and reacted like a dog being released from his cage. The lack of boundaries in my life fueled more than just my party lifestyle. It fueled the flames of my pornography addiction as well, causing it to grow into a raging inferno.
The Internet was still a novelty in the ’90s. Prior to college, I had only experienced it at friends’ houses. But now I had 24/7 access and a room with a lock on the door. This was not a good combination. Actually, that is an understatement. It was more like pouring gasoline on the fire of my addiction. I would lock my door each night once my roommate went to bed, plant myself in front of the computer, and surf porn sites until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. What used to take 10 minutes to download now took 10 seconds. Instead of seeing two or three images a night, I was suddenly able to view thousands. I felt as if I had won the pornography lottery. But no matter how long I looked, I could never get enough. I was always searching for the elusive “perfect image” that would fully satisfy me.
I always knew in my heart that this lifestyle was wrong. I begged God to take my sex drive away until marriage. I made promises to Him. I installed an Internet filter. I tried everything to stop, but nothing worked.
It wasn’t long before I lost any hope of finding freedom from pornography. I began to believe that I had a sex drive that was significantly more intense than other guys and there wasn’t anything I could do to control it. God had apparently created me to require a release multiple times a day, and at least porn was a better option than sleeping around. My best chance at freedom, in my mind, was to get married. I believed that once I was married I would be permitted to have sex with my wife whenever I wanted and would therefore no longer need pornography.
These thoughts were all lies.
As men, we tend to believe our struggles with pornography are purely about sexual desire. If this were the case, though, my addiction would have gone away once I was married. So why is it my addiction actually became worse within marriage? Why did I repeatedly choose to reject the advances of my beautiful, attractive, and loving wife in order to get my sexual needs met through pornography?
The only answer that makes sense is that pornography addiction isn’t actually the result of an overzealous libido. It’s also not about an underattentive spouse, a lack of willpower, or even sexual desire. Pornography addiction is the result of being too afraid to risk anything in the process of trying to meet the deepest needs of your soul.
The problem with porn, though, is it can never make good on its promise. In fact, it will pull you away from the very things that truly can meet those deepest needs.
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TRUTH: Pornography addiction is an attempt to meet the deepest needs of your soul without being required to risk anything in the process.
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What are Your Deepest Needs?
God has placed within the heart of every man the need to be validated as a man, the need for adventure in his life, and the need to experience intimacy with others. These needs are not sinful in and of themselves, but we often attempt to satisfy them in sinful ways—such as through pornography.
In order to meet these needs effectively, you will be required to take risks. And risk, by its very nature, carries the potential for failure.
Because of this reality, Satan will try to deceive you into finding an easier way to meet these needs. He wants you to believe that you can be fulfilled in these areas without having to put yourself on the line. Lasting and effective solutions will only be found in the truth, though, which is why it is so important to understand each of these needs within you and recognize how pornography will never be able to truly fulfill any of them.
Continue on to Part Two: Your Need to Be Validated as a Man
