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Note: This post is part three of a six-part series on desire. It has been adapted from my book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn, available now wherever books are sold.
You can find beginning of the series here.
If you ask a man what his favorite movies are, you will more than likely get a list of classics such as Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Iron Man, and other movies involving swords and explosions. Few men will add Sleepless in Seattle or The Notebook to their Netflix queue unless an attractive female wants to watch it with them. When was the last time you heard a guy say, “Hey bro, wanna grab a pizza and watch Notting Hill?” Probably never. So why is it the majority of men all seem to like the same types of movies?
Perhaps it’s because these movies awaken the deep sense of adventure that God has placed in your masculine soul.
Adventures are exciting because you are forced to figure out the answers as you go along. The outcome—and often the path—is unknown. You don’t know how it’s going to end. There may be danger involved. Failure is a possibility. Driving to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk is not an adventure. Finding the grocery store on fire and running in to rescue people is. Which scenario gets you more excited as a man? I can’t be the only one who fantasizes about things such as rescuing people from burning buildings or fighting off mountain lions on the trail. It’s written in our hearts as men.
When I was a boy, I was constantly searching for mud and dirt and doing all the typical things little boys do. I would drive my go-kart up and down the road wearing a swim mask while pretending to be an astronaut. I joined the Boy Scouts and daydreamed about building the hovercraft advertised on the back page of every issue of Boys Life magazine. As I got older, I did all the stuff teenage boys with a lack of any common sense consider to be adventure. I bombed down hills on my bike so fast I’d pass the driving cars. I found out that my 1976 AMC Pacer speedometer pegged at 90, but the car still accelerated for quite a while after that. Even today, as an adult, there is little that makes me feel more alive than hiking, climbing, or skiing in the mountains of Oregon.
I have always been aware of this desire for adventure inside me, but I misunderstood the root of it for many years. You see, adventure isn’t just about getting an adrenaline fix or doing something worthy of a YouTube video. It’s about being alive. God created men to desire adventure because the skills we learn through it—endurance, perseverance, trust, risk—are the same skills we need to experience a life fully alive to Him. After all, the greatest adventure of all—the only adventure that will fully meet this need within a man—is the adventure of living by faith.
But what happens if you ignore or reject your desire for adventure, refuse to take risks, and choose to live a “safe” life? Life will become nothing more than punching a clock, doing your daily duties, and only saying the “right” things so you don’t stir the pot. Men who accept this life become passive…jaded…bored. When these men see a burning building, they drive right past it and look for the safer grocery store. They’ve become perfectly content with just picking up the milk—even if they have to go elsewhere.
It’s here, once again, where Satan sweeps in with his own “solution.” Instead of adventure, though, he offers something much safer—something free from risk. He offers fantasy.
Accepting Fantasy as a Substitute for Adventure
Fantasy is the opposite of adventure. Instead of awakening life within you, it encourages you to hide from life. It promises an escape from the pain and disappointment in your real world that you are too afraid to face. Instead of embracing the risk of addressing these things and entering into the adventure of faith that God has called you to, you check out. You turn to the TV, to video games, or often to the computer as a means of distracting yourself from the hard realities of real life. But these distractions are not real. They are merely fantasies.
The power of pornography thrives within this fantasy world. After all, every man feels like Brad Pitt on the Internet. The women are willing and eager to do whatever you want, whenever you want. They won’t ask you how your day went at work or how things are going at home. They will never bring up the painful stuff. They won’t ask you about your insecurities or fears. There is no risk of them rejecting you. You can find a retreat from the imperfect reality of your life, sweep your pain under the rug, and run away with the girl of your dreams to live happily ever after. Or so the lie goes.
There is no way around the fact that life will be hard at times. Bosses can yell at you. Your wife may pull away from you. People you don’t even know might attack you for your faith. After all, Jesus warned us the world would hate us. He was raising people from the dead and healing the sick, and the world still murdered Him. Why would we assume it will go any better for us? The reality is, we live in a fallen, broken, hurting world full of pain and suffering.
But as men, God has called us to stand firm in our faith and trust in Him, no matter how hard life gets. He wants you to fight for what is good and right, even in your own life. So please, my brother, stop running away from the adventure and hiding in your “safe” fantasy world. There is no life there. Be honest with yourself and ask what makes your heart come alive more: Fighting for your family at all cost, or sitting in front of a computer with your pants around your ankles? It’s like asking if you’d rather watch Return of the King or Sex in the City, isn’t it?
The real world needs your strength. Your family needs your strength. And the only way to start believing you have it is to trust God when He calls you to run toward the burning building. Yes, you may get singed in places, but it’s worth it.
Continue on to Part Four: Your Need to Experience Intimacy
